you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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