Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
