So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
