handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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