He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
did i just pee glitter
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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