all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
