I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
