You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
