It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
