my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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