so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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