I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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