From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
