My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
