Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
