shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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