you traded sex for a burrito?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
a search helicopter?!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
