Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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