I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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