I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
