is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
