so explain again why im purple
no
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
