Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You pole danced in your parka.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
