The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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