Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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