i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
