apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
