I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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