you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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