How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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