I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
