I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize