Cold hands, warm shart.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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