come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i think my cat just said my name.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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