also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
