i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's shark week go big or go home
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
