i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
