Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
