dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
where are you?
Hypothermia
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
