Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
