i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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