Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
