i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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