Sry I called you an 8
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
