new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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