: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
