I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
