Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
