I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
