We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
