Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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