I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
