I met the friendliest cop last night
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
