You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
