I want to make a zoo with you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
