this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
