OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
