theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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