I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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