Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
