somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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