Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
