he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
