I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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