dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
