I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
