u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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